Un"managable"

Ok, so it's been awhile since I updated here. When I originally thought of creating a blog, it was sorta to track my progress towards getting well. I thought I could focus on one aspect of that endeavor (bicycling), but I guess even I lost interest in hearing about me triumphing over a molehill every weekend. So for better or worse, here comes some further delving.

On December 29, 2008 I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. This was a shock for me even though I was told in 2005 I was "pre-diabetic". I was also told at that time I have PCOS or Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I mention this becuz PCOS is a hormone imbalance that made it very hard for me to lose weight by dieting and exercise. I was sent to a specialist who tweaked my medications and a nutritionist who tried to kill me out of the goodness of her heart. I was able to lose about 10-15 pounds numerous times between 05 and the present. And of course I gained it back every time. I was given several medications to control my hormones, to balance me so my body would respond. For 4 years I tried everything my Dr could come up with. Sure I got lazy and quite each of the "programs", sure I cheated on diets every now and then. Why wouldn't I? None of it worked. It was a catch-22--they said you have to lose weight so your body will work right. Oh and your body doesn't work right because you need to lose weight." Then last year, I developed this horrible pain in my upper abdomen. A few tests turned into CT scans and endoscopes. I had about 6 rounds of blood work where they would draw 4-5 vials of blood and do tons of tests. I was put on an extreme diet by a digestive healthcare specialist. I counted every gram of every substance that entered by body. I had graphs and charts that my partner helped me use to track everything. I stopped eating diary and red meat. I switched to soy products and ate salads. I tried to eat 40 grams of fiber a day. I took fiber supplements. I was finally given a strong pain killer for the abdominal pain. Not a single person could tell me what was wrong. After thousands of dollars worth of tests, after doing everything they told me, all they could say is "we don't know". And then my pain stopped. I don't know what it was to this day.

I said all that as a backdrop for how I have chosen to approach my diabetes. When my dr said those words "you have diabetes" I was filled with shame, with pain, with anger and remorse and bitterness. I felt like something should have worked. I felt like I had tried things and through a twist of shitty circumstances and my own lack of will power I had failed and now I had diabetes. I was mad at myself for letting it happen. And I vowed to find a different path to health. I started reading books about real food and about historic diets. I was taken with the work of Dr Weston A Price and his studies. I read a ton of books and in my head all of it started to gel and I started to think there was some sense to be found. I gradually finished the processed foods in my house and replaced them with unprocessed whole organic foods. My grocery bill sky-rocketed. My meal prep and cooking times grew exponentially. I'm blessed with a wonderful woman who takes care of me and she does the majority of planning menus and packs me a good lunch everyday. The same way she will cheer me up a little hill that seems like a mountain on my bike, she urges me to better myself in every area. I knew after just a few weeks of this changed eating lifestyle that I was not going to go back on medications and "manage" my disease. I felt that my diabetes was a product of my lifestyle and if I could just change my lifestyle perhaps my health would improve. I started searching for "holistic" doctors which was a total shot in the dark. I had no idea what I was even looking for, much less what I wanted to find. I only knew I wanted someone to help me heal myself. I was not going to end up one of those diabetics who "manage" their disease, taking my blood sugar 20 times a day and taking hundreds of dollars of pills that seem to make no difference. I started thinking about how many of my diabetic friends were not healing, they never got better than they were when they had been diagnosed. I wondered why no one was healing. These people were getting worse, getting heavier, losing limbs or feet, having eye trouble. I was not going to let that happen to me.

One day while listening to a talk show that I regularly listen on a podcast the host mentioned going to see his "naturopath". I quickly plugged that word into google and bam! I found what I was after. I struggled with the decision to see a naturopath. Not because I had no faith that it would be effective. But what if this person ended up telling me things that were as misleading as the traditional approach to diabetes? My coworkers (some of whom are nurses) told me I was crazy to not "manage" my diabetes. They told me of how dangerous, how I was being foolish and how I needed to start managing myself. They scared me, but I was not changing my mind. The worst that could happen is I could check it out and then end up going to my regular Dr after all. And then the circus started. Insurance of course will not pay for "nontraditional" practitioners. And I couldn't use my flexible spending account funds for any supplements or treatments prescribed. And I am not rich friends. But I was undeterred. I had gotten a shock a few weeks before making my appointment and I was not to be persuaded to change course now. The shock was this: on a smoking break at work I was sitting in my car and reading. When I got up to head back into work I noticed my heels were numb. And then I thought "my feet have been really numb and tingly for several weeks now actually". So I searched the internet and realized that I was experiencing neuropathy. That's nerve damage. From my blood sugar. This is one reason why diabetics end up getting limbs amputated.

I am 25 years old.

This is why I will not "manage" my disease. Can you imagine what might happen? How old would I be before I lost a foot? Before I lost my sight? Before I had some serious heart issue?

So all of that just because I wanted to write about my accomplishments since Christmastime. I have stopped eating processed foods. Yes it is much ore labor intensive to eat meals I have to think about preparing instead of boiling something and then mixing the flavor packet. yes it is more expensive. Yes it is inconvenient and sometimes I still want to grab some Chinese or Wendy's. I even tease that I would sell my left arm for a cookie. I love sweets. I miss cake and cookies and brownies. But I am not messing around. It was finally time to take control of myself. So here it is: I have cut out nearly all processed foods. I have cut out nearly all sweets. I have started eating real foods. I stopped drinking coffee. Well I guess I treat myself to an occasional Starbucks, but I used to drink 3-5 cups of coffee a day. With 3-5 teaspoons of sugar in each cup. I eat nearly no bread products. I cut my pasta meals which used to be a couple or several meals a week to maybe 1-2 times a month. I rarely have dessert and if I do it's likely some fruit or every now and then some coconut ice cream. I know these all sound like little things. This was my entire way of life. I have to shop at different stores. I have learned so much about food and have to learn something new every week. All my favorite easy convenient comforting meals are gone. My daily routines have all been disrupted. I used to get up and have a cup of coffee and a cigarette outside on the porch no matter how cold of hot it was outside. it was a quiet peaceful way of starting my day, watching the sky lighten, feeling the coffee warm me. It gave me several minutes to slowly wake up. No more routine. I had a cup of coffee and several cigarettes when I got home from work. I would sit on the porch and read and tune out everything and slowly transition from work to home. Routine gone. No more coffee.

Oh and no more cigarettes. I quit smoking. 3 weeks ago I quit smoking and my entire life felt like it was turned upside down. My little reason for escaping was gone. My frequent smoke breaks at work turned into "air breaks". I would still go outside and sit and read for a few minutes just to get away from my desk. After work I would feel lost. I would wander around my apartment and tidy here then rearrange there. I would reach for my cigarettes on the way out the door before realizing I don't smoke anymore. I would ask Llama if she wanted to have a smoke break after dinner--and only realize what I had said after she looked at me funny. I smoked for 8 years. Smoking is attached to nearly every memory from college and my "adult" life. And now it is not.

I have lost over 10 pounds without ever counting a calorie, gram, oz etc. I am full between meals. I don't snack anymore. I feel good about the time and energy that goes into preparing meals and planning what to buy each week. I try a new dish every week--sometimes they are horrible, but mostly they have been good.

I exercise. Clearly there is the biking, when the weather permits. I also go on very long walks. this weekend Llama and I went on a 2 hour walk. These walks are the perfect time to talk about things that are too heavy for weeknight chats. Planning the future, reflecting on where we've been and our common goals. I have even done exercises that I was never open to before--yoga, balance ball, etc.

Maybe most importantly I have been an example to my family. My parents have reevaluated their lifestyle and are trying to get healthy. My beautiful baby sister who suffers from migraines, vertigo, blackouts, etc was encouraged to try a more holistic approach to her health and has received key insights into her pain and sickness.

I feel for the first time in a very long time that I have taken control of my life. I started this blog to track that and got swept away by bicycles. I still hope to chronicle my biking adventures. But I guess I want to focus on my journey, not just the vehicle.